If I could hear my own voice through the commotion and clatter that has made reign within my heart…If I could shut off all the noise and cries of depression without. If only for a moment it could all cease and right here with me would be a new dawn…..If only, I mean it is feasible, right?
And yet all I still hear is the troubled turmoil within my heart, the consternation that so creeps in and reminds me of how many times I have failed before. Reminding me that there is nothing to make this time around any different.
Still, I hear the voices of all these motivational speakers chyme over and over and over again. Telling me that I can’t afford to give up, but then I can’t afford anything else now, can I? Giving up is easy and free, so why not?
I try to listen on but all that keeps drumming through my ears is that they have no idea what it really means to be at the precipice of hope, right near that same dawn through which joy should come and yet opening my eyes still see utter destruction coming in. All that hope they have preached and shouted over their lungs seems to have been just that, noise.
Not that any of my worries are playing in bits to rectify any predicament I currently am in but the more I delve into it, the more I tend to lose all my initial bearing. I thus find myself a prisoner of my own predicament; gasping for air in a choke and entanglement within all the reeds underneath the wave of my wallow.
I gasp for air but the more I open up my mouth, the more the water becomes salty and even dries up the very sound from my throat. No one is nearby to aid my now drowning self. I feel as if I am caught up in a fiction movie that is all but now seeming all real, or more like in that inception dream that fits reality more than the broken dreams themselves. Di Caprio would best describe the feeling as he loses his wife within the dream.
So, my dear readers, at the bottom of the ocean am I just like Jonah was in the Old Testament scriptures, this time around, however, there is no huge fish to come save me or even Leonardo Di Caprio’s spin pin back to reality. I am lost to myself and there can only be one Saviour of me. Trust me that can’t be the Christ either as He already played His part upon the cross and with that His love always abides with me.
So, seeing that there is only one person left to save me and they seem not to be around, I am forced to search much deeper within. To for a moment give no reign nor recognition to all the turmoil beating all around me and focus on myself. A moment if selfishness must thus take center-stage and realizing I have been given all I ever needed, I must find me.
Withstanding the pain and letting it wash over all my senses, I must grow numb to the pain to find the peace that dwells much deeper. Here is the Usah moment of discovery by Will Smith in his Bad boys’ movie down in the 90s.
Or for those deep in scripture, this is the moment you remember that the Almighty already gave you the power of life and death and with the heavens and earth as your witnesses then it is only you left to play your part and exercising your faith believe and act upon it.
I hence realize and get to see that my dawn was never even here in the first place and that I had limited myself to the timespan and parameters of the human mind when in reality, my perseverance in spite of all odds surely wins me through.
Did I just use the word perseverance? The same words that saw me through a tough Maseno School regime in the name of a motto devoid of the harsh reality on the ground. A most well-articulated motto in the Luo tongue read as,” Kinda piny emanyalo gimoro.”A direct translation to this would mean,” The patience and endurance upon the earth are all that can win you something,”… An easier translation, however, reads as,” Perseverance shall win you through,”
So, truth be told, right from the heavens above, to the earth below and the wind without. Right through the ages past and oracles alongside scriptures revealed, I have nothing to fear for I realize that all odds aren’t actually tipped against me as I would imagine, but, sure rest in my favour with my volition brought to call.
Now this time round I listen more keenly to the hope giver and motivational speakers and looking beyond their words I can finally see, that the race is not for the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance, happens to them all. And the secret lay all along before my eyes, that my dawn is not gone as I thought but as promised, though troubles may last for a night, my joy is here and not past in this dawn.
Neither is your’s my dear treader, neither is your joy gone, so hold on, keep on and never stop for any action in the physical world sure has a reaction in the spiritual realm.
What then shall your action in the physical world be? Defeat and surrender or a fight to the last breath? Will you fight standing or will you die on your knees? And if the victory belongs to the Almighty then to who does the battle belong?
So I need not even hear my own voice for the entire universe is speaking for me and it keeps repeating, ”You can’t give up, keep on going, you are almost there…”
Ps. Catch more of my sketches on my YouTube channel here.
PePa: The Sketches Of Life.